BASIC INSTINCT

(March 1992, U.S.)

I'm going to start this post off with an apology. I apologize because discussing BASIC INSTINCT is going to prompt me to say more than several things thay may be considered chauvinistic. Hey, it is what it is. Sometimes the truth hurts like a sledgehammer!

To begin with, a mild observation. If you were to total the work that actor Michael Douglas has done in FATAL ATTRACTION (1987), THE WAR OF THE ROSES (1989), BASIC INSTINCT (1992) and DISCLOSURE (1994), plus his marriage to Catherine Zeta Jones, the man has seen more ass than a fucking car rental! You seriously gotta love the guy!

Here's another observation. This is the second time Michael Douglas plays a cop on screen. The first time was in Ridley Scott's BLACK RAIN (1989). In both films, his partner was a comic relief-type blabbering idiot. Andy Garcia in RAIN and George Dzundza in INSTINCT. No wonder Douglas' cop character has to take on all the heavy burden in both films.

BASIC INSTINCT was flooded with controversy long before it was released. The film was protested by gay rights activists who felt that the film followed a pattern of negative depiction of lesbians and bisexuals as twisted, evil murderers. You know how much that protesting did to hurt the film? Not one little bit. All that noise sparked audience's curiousities even more. People lined up (myself included) and the film was a big success. So, the lesson learned is that if you really don't want people to see a movie for whatever reason you're concocted in your head, then don't say a damn word! Controversy fuels box office sales!

Were it not for impressive performances by Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone, BASIC INSTINCT would pass for almost nothing more than late-night HBO softcore porn. While the intense sexuality of Stone's character, Catherine Tramell, cannot be denied by any red-blooded heterosexual male with an active libido (myself included!!!), there is deception and diabolical motives behind just about eveything she says and does. It's in her eyes and her voice and it pierces both the brain in your head and the one between your legs (the one most men end up thinking with!)! It all keeps you guessing and wondering what's coming 'round the bend, which is what any effective psychological thriller should do. It also proves undenyably that men are generally weak and easily controllable when it comes to the promise of great sex! Just look at how Douglas' character, Nick Curran, is almost willing to allow himself to be murdered by the hands of the woman who has given him what he refers to as "the fuck of the century". Just look at how all of the policemen during her interrogation go absolutely limp with stupidity during the iconic open legs beaver shot that made Stone famous overnight...

And speaking as a (temporary) chauvinistic male for this post, the character of Catherine Tramell has long represented every sexual fantasy I could ever imagine in a beautiful woman. I'm a man, for Christ sakes! What'd you expect???

With regard to "keeping you guessing", let's try and clear something up right now. It is my humble opinion that the final shot of the ice pick under the bed at the very end of the film did NOT reveal that Catherine Tramell was, indeed, the killer. Here, in fact, is my conclusion of what that shot means...if you take a look at the film at the 54 minute mark, you'll notice a closeup shot of Nick Curran's keys on a table with a Bart Simpson keychain on it. His ex-lover, Beth Garner, attempts to return them to him. In their heated argument, he picks up the keys and hands them back to her. Mental note here: Beth STILL has the keys to his place! I believe that before she was killed at the end of the film, she had gone (unseen) to his place, planted the ice pick under his bed, and had planned to do him in later on, had she gotten the chance. I believe that when Catherine Tramell lowered her arm over the side of the bed, she DID NOT KNOW the ice pick was there. That's my conclusion. You can take it or leave it.

Now for a personal memory regarding this film. When BASIC INSTINCT was released in 1992, I was in my last year of college. I saw it with my girlfriend at the time whom we shall call Daniela (because that's actually her name). We not only both loved it, but within a couple of weeks, I had purchased an illegal bootleg VHS copy of it on the streets of New York City (yes, someone had actually pointed a video camera at the movie screen!). Without going into any indiscreet detail, BASIC INSTINCT became OUR movie! How much did it become OUR movie? Well, let's just say we were both dumb enough to pay and see SLIVER (1993) and SHOWGIRLS (1995) together in the years that followed. So it is to Daniela that I dedicate this post. We had good times. We had bad times. We had times. Like it or not, those are what memories are made of.

Favorite line or dialogue:

Nick Curran: "Let me ask you somethin', Rocky...man-to-man...I think she's the fuck of the century! What do you think?"

BARRY LYNDON

(December 1975, U.S.)

We're about to enter into new territory here because this is the first film I am posting from my favorite director of all time, the late Stanley Kubrick. His death in 1999 was one of only three celebrity deaths that have ever left me feeling genuinely sad (the other two were Paul Newman in 2008 and Farrah Fawcett in 2009).

BARRY LYNDON is a lavish costume period film that can be compared to latter films of the type like AMADEUS (1984), THE AGE OF INNOCENCE (1993) and some Merchant-Ivory films of the late '80's and early 90's. Doesn't exactly sound like it drips with excitement, does it? It doesn't. The difference here is that it's a Stanley Kubrick film. Those of you who know and understand his work, his unique style of film making and the genius behind his visions know that that makes all the difference.

The film takes us through an epic 18th Century journey through the life of Barry Lyndon (played by Ryan O'Neal), including his pistol duel with an English Captain over his cousin's hand, his unwitting involvement in the Seven Years War in Europe, his ultimate opportunistic marriage to the wealthy Countess of Lyndon and his inevitable downfall by the hands of his hateful stepson. The entire story does not seem like anything you haven't seen before in a period piece like this. But Kubrick's characteristic trademark filming that includes long facial closeups, wide angle shots, character tracking shots, zoom shots and shots down tall parallel walls make all the difference in the viewing experience.

Even after 35 years, I'm still not convinced that an actor like Ryan O'Neal was best suited to play such a distinguished role as this. But I suppose in 1975, after having scored hits with LOVE STORY, WHAT'S UP DOC? and PAPER MOON, he must have been considered the hot flavor of the time. Interestingly, in my opinion, the best performance comes out of Leon Vitali playing Lord Bullington. Vitali would later go on to serve on Kubrick's production team for his (Kubrick's) next three films.

I love all of Stanley Kubrick's films. Admittedly, though, BARRY LYNDON falls toward the bottom of my preference list simply because the subject matter is of limited interest to me. Like many of his films, it was misunderstood and unappreciated at the time of its release. And like many of his films, it gained a higher status in cinematic history and culture as time went on. Director Martin Scorsese has cited BARRY LYNDON as his favorite Kubrick film.

Favorite line or dialogue:

Lord Bullington: "Madam! I have born as long as mortal could endure the ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you've taken into your bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality of his manners which disgusts me, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards Your Ladyship. His brutal and ungentleman-like behavior, his open infidelity, his shameless robberies and swindling of my property, and yours. And as I cannot personally chastise this lowbred ruffian, and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you and loathe his horrible society as if it were the plague; I have decided to leave my home and never return, at least during his detested life or during my own."

BAREFOOT IN THE PARK

(May 1967, U.S.)

However dramamtic and serious Robert Redford and Jane Fonda may have gotten on and off screen later in their careers, it's easy to see how funny they could be, especially when working together, in a film like Neil Simon's BAREFOOT IN THE PARK.

When Paul and Corie Bratter are first married, they can't get enough of each other. They become infamous for a short time at New York City's Plaza Hotel for never leaving their room. But when the hot and heavy honeymoon is over, the marriage and all of its startup living tasks (getting the phone hooked up, furniture delivery, etc.) has to begin...and that's when you find out that maybe you and your spouse were further opposites than you originally thought. Paul is a young, respectable, hard-working "stuffed shirt" attorney just starting his practice, while Corie is a free-spirited, spontaneous "screwball" determinded to create a romantice environment out of their one room apartment with no elevator, no working heat and a big hole in the skylight. She's also determined to love and appreciate their oddball neighbor upstairs, played by Charles Boyer, who's idea of a great evening is taking the Staten Island ferry in 32 degree weather to an Albanian restaurant that may or may not have a legal license and serves black salads.

BAREFOOT IN THE PARK is a comedy that stays concentrated on funny dialogue rather than stupid gags. This is the kind of comedy I appreciate the most. Not that a few gags don't work in this film once in a while. The scene where Paul is stuck on the glass skylight and starts to slide down while shouting his wife's name is actually pretty hysterical. The film also has some interesting on-location filming of New York City in the late '60's that makes for some interesting viewing.

Favorite line or dialogue:

Ethel Banks: "I had to park the car three blocks away. Then it started to rain so I ran the last two blocks. Then my heel got caught in a subway grating. When I pulled my foot out, I stepped in a puddle. Then a cab went by and splashed my stockings. If the hardware store downstairs was open, I was going to buy a knife and kill myself."

BANK JOB, THE

(February 2008, U.S.)

The one indisputable thing that all heist movies have in common with each other is that you want the crooks to get away with it. I'll say that again...you WANT the crooks to get away with it! You want it so bad, you can practically taste it. You cringe when a police just happens to come upon the bank they're in the process of robbing. You shudder if one of the crooks does something stupid to give the whole gang away. You smile when they succussfully get away with the loot and watch them toast their victory with champagne. You're even happier when the people who have been robbed are just as bad (if not worse) than the crooks themselves.

THE BANK JOB is based on a real crime that took place in London in 1971. This is one of those situations where it's all so outrageous that it just HAD to be a true story. Thing is, though, these bank robbers are not your traditional lot that you'd find in fictional stories; they're not particularly bright, they don't have a carefully calculated fool-proof plan, they're not violent or dangerous people and one of them is not looking to fuck over the others just to keep all the loot for him or herself. The ultimate prize is not even cash or jewelry, but rather very revealing sexual photographs of England's own princess in action. You can just imagine how much something like that is worth to the right people and the dangerous steps they'll take to protect them.

This is one of the finer heist films I've even seen. It's a well acted thriller with that "independent" touch and it doesn't degrade itself with a number 12 or 13 attached to it (no disrespect to Steven Soderbergh).

Favorite line or dialogue:

Kevin Swain: "We're not bank robbers."
Terry Leather: "Maybe that's why we could get away with it."
Dave Shilling: "It's a bit daunting, isn't it?"
Terry: "You know what scares me more? Living and dying with nothing to show for it. You know how old Mozart was when he composed his first minuet?"
Dave: "No."
Terry: "Five. Five! A fucking minuet!"
Kevin: "And how would you know that fact, Terry?"
Terry: " Because it's tattooed on that stripper's arse, Kevin. What the fuck's it matter how I know? It's a fact and you're missing the point, Kev. What I'm trying to say is, we stop fucking about and stop picking the shit from under our fingernails."

BAD NEWS BEARS IN BREAKING TRAINING, THE

(July 1977, U.S.)

I saw this film in the summer of 1977 at the age of 10 before I ever saw the original one. I didn't feel all that lost in the story, though. That's simply just an FYI.

There are two things that have always puzzled me about this sequel. First, even after 33 years, I'm still not entirely sure what "IN BREAKING TRAINING" is supposed to mean. Anybody have any idea? Second, if you recall at the end of the first film, the Bears LOST the championship. So exactly how and when did they qualify to play the game that they play at the Houston Astrodome??? Clearly, there must have been some victory in the span of one year that the filmmakers conveniently decided to skip over.

Well, that loophole aside, the sequel proves to be just as entertaining as the first one, depite the traditional cliches of the underdog sports team defying all odds and challanges and going on to win the big game (yeah, that's what happens!). The subplot of Kelly Leak (played by Jackie Earle Haley) and his tense relationship with his estranged father (played very well by William Devane) is a touching piece of drama in an otherwise traditional wild family comedy. The film's also been toned down a bit in its profanity and raciness, which is probably just as well. Small children should NOT be hearing the things that little Tanner Boyle says!

Favorite line or dialogue:

Ahman Abdul-Rahim: "You betta back up, sucka! I feel good!"

By the way, one year later in the summer 1978, I was real hot to see the third Bears film, THE BAD NEWS BEARS GO TO JAPAN. But even at the age of 11, it was very easy to see what a terrible, terrible movie this was. What a waste of Tony Curtis' talent!

BAD NEWS BEARS, THE (1976)

(April 1976, U.S.)

I don't know how well you remember this original film, but let me assure you that it's not exactly a family film. These asswipe kids are raw and racy, especially the character of little Tanner Boyle ("All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!"). See what I'm talkin' about? By today's rating standards, this would have been rated PG-13 and not PG.

That aside, THE BAD NEWS BEARS is, without a doubt, the best sports film revolved around kids that I've ever seen. It's a film about change, too. The Bears get better at the game as the film progress, of course (they REALLY SUCK at the beginning!), but the changes in the film's characters is also interesting. Walter Matthau's Coach Buttermaker starts out indifferent to his entire position and gradually comes to care about the kids and the game (too much about the game at certain times). The kids change from trouble-making misfits to little ballplayers with the confidence to help them ALMOST win the championship (better luck in the sequel, boys!). The estranged relationship between Buttermaker and his old flame's daughter Amanda (Tatum O'Neal) grows close again as the Bears' game progresses. Anyway, I think you get the point - people change, the game of baseball changes and everybody and everything lives happily ever after at the end. Now THAT'S a family film!

One particular point about this film that often hits home in real life is how (apparantly) crazy and obssessed some parents and coaches can get when it comes to their kid's athletics. It's almost frightening to watch a guy like Vic Morrow's Coach Roy Turner treat his team like they were hard-hitting adult athletes (they're just grade school kids, for Christ sakes!). He runs a highly competetive program, for sure, but Mr. Turner surely needs a stiff drink to lighten up, too. Just my opinion.

Watching THE BAD NEWS BEARS is about the only memorable appreciation I have towards the game of baseball in the '70's as a kid. I didn't watch much baseball on TV and I didn't collect baseball cards for very long because I kept losing them to other kids in games of chance. When I was 13 years-old, my father forced me to give little league a try. For about 5 seconds, I was a big star when I swung at anything and smacked the ball a long out of the infield, causing my dad to lose his mind in excitement (unfortunately, a foul ball). My dad was a ball player in his youth and my 4 year-old son already shows signs of loving the game. I guess it skipped a generation with me.

Favorite line or dialogue:

Tanner Boyle: "Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!"
Timmy Lupus: "And another thing...just wait 'till next year!"

BAD BOYS

(April 1995, U.S.)

First, a few encouraging words regarding Mr. Michael Bay. If you're looking for someone who's real good at blowing shit up, call Michael Bay. If you're looking for someone to produce a modern remake of a classic '70's horror film that's destined for critical failure, then Michael Bay is your man. On the other hand, if you're looking for a respectable filmmaker who takes his art even a little bit seriously, then look elsewhere...please!

Now that I've served as Michael Bay's poster boy, let me tell you why I actually like BAD BOYS. Seven words...Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are funny! These two are what save this film from being just your typical high-octance, excessively-violent, shoot-em-up, bang-up, action thrill ride with your typical (Miami) drug lords acting as the cliche enemy versus the good narcotics cops. Because when you can successfully incorporate snappy, punchy, fast-paced and funny dialogue to your traditional action movie, you have something a little more worthwhile. Smith and Lawrence are the funniest action, buddy-cop team I've seen since Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines in RUNNING SCARED (1986). They clearly know how to feed off of each other and use precise timing in their chemistry to create laughs in just the right places...just before Michael Bay starts to blow shit up!

Favorite line or dialogue:

Marcus Burnett: "Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention!"
Mike Lowrey: "You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do!"
Marcus: "Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother fuckin' french fry!"
Mike: "It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!"
White Carjacker: "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!"
Black Carjacker: "Shut the fuck up!"
Marcus: "Hold the fuck on! (to Mike) You want some bad enough, come get some!"
(cops overtake car jackers)
Marcus (to black carjacker): "You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57! Now gimme a mother fuckin' handy wipe!"
Mike (to white carjacker): "Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch."