By the late 1980s, Arnold Schwarzenegger had solidified his position as A-number 1 movie action star right alongside Sylvester Stallone. In fact, in Ivan Reitman's TWINS, it's a quick shot of Arnold staring at a giant poster board of Stallone and his muscles in RAMBO III, that I think brings the strongest comic moment, in which Arnold shrugs off his physical competition with a laugh. Still, back then I never would've imagined that the star of CONAN and THE TERMINATOR could ever be funny in any way. Well, of course, as life often dictates, never say ever. In fact, when you take someone as physically grandeur as Arnold and stand him next to a pudgy, little bald pipsqueak like Danny DeVito, and actually call them twins, the promise of comedy seems very self-evident.
And so, the story goes that Julius (Arnold) and Vincent (Danny) Benedict are twins, as a result of a secret experiment carried out at a genetics laboratory in the 1950s in order to combine the DNA of six superior fathers and one mother to produce the perfect human child. But the unexpectedly split and the twins were born. The mother, Mary Ann Benedict, was told that Julius died at birth, and wasn't told about Vincent at all. Vincent was raised in a Los Angeles orphanage run by nuns (one of whom he lost his virginity to when he was twelve years-old) and was told that his mother abandoned him, resulting in his becoming a small time low life jerk in debt over his head to loan sharks. Julius, on the other hand, was raised on a beautiful island in the South Pacific by a kind scientist from the original experiment. On the day that Julius becomes aware of Vincent's existence, he believes his long lost brother to be in trouble and in need of his help, and makes his way to Los Angeles, where he immediately takes in some of the local cheap, fast food cuisine.
Tracking Vincent down to jail for a lot of unpaid parking tickets, Julius bails him out and even comes to his aid when the loan sharks, the Klane brothers, come to collect their debt. He also meets Vincent's girlfriend Linda and her very hot sister Marnie (played by the late Kelly Preston). Vincent has no interest in locating his real mother, as he believed he was abandoned at birth. Julius, however, is persistent in his need for family, and tracks down one of the six fathers, who directs Julius to another one of the original scientists located in New Mexico. Agreeing on a road trip to investigate this further, they proceed in a Cadillac that Vincent previously stole from an airport parking garage run by his buddy, and discovers there's a prototype fuel injector inside the trunk of the car, which Vincent will collect five million dollars for if he drives it to Houston, Texas. Trouble is, there's a hitman called Webster on their trail who was supposed to drive that very car and collect the money instead.
In New Mexico, the twins learn the truth about themselves, and they're directed to Santa Fe, where their mother supposedly lives and runs an art colony. Once there, they learn their mother has died. They leave, unaware that the woman who told them this was in fact, their mother Mary Ann Benedict, who refused to believe their claim to be her sons since she was initially told her one son had died at birth
(you following all of this family drama?)
Frustrated, Vincent heads to Houston alone to deliver the prototype. Julius catches up, though, using what he believes is his twin telepathy and manages again to rescue Vincent from certain danger and death against Webster, who ends up being killed by a horde of falling steel chains. The two brothers return the prototype and collect a minor reward, though Vincent has managed to skim one of the five million dollars without Julius knowing (something a little weasel like DeVito would do). The film ends with the perfectly-predictable happy Hollywood ending in which mother and twins are reunited, and two families live happily ever after with twin babies of their own...and this is the part where we all say, "Awwwww."
And so, to my very fortunate surprise, it turns out that Arnold Schwarzenegger can be funny when he has to be. Though TWINS does offer predictable modest comic pleasures to those who just want to laugh and forget for a couple of hours, the film certainly does rely on the premise of wackiness to perhaps overcome for any narrative shortcomings in story and character function. Still, as goofy comedies go, it's engaging entertainment with the right laughs in the right places, and perhaps that's all we need when we're in the mood for a good laugh...even if it's with Arnold.
On a more personal note, my memory of TWINS serves as the first time I was ever aware of just how hot and sexy young Kelly Preston was, and it's the image of her in a white nightie on Arnold's hotel bed, with those shapely thighs and that perfectly-shaped ass, that I'll always hold dear to my horny memories...
Thanks for that memory, Kelly (R.I.P.).
Favorite line or dialogue:
Julius Benedict: "My name is Julius, and I am your twin brother."
Vincent Benedict (sarcastic): "Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror!"
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