PORKY'S

(November 1981, U.S.)

The decade of the 1980s shall be remembered for many things in the subject of cinema. The beginning of the decade saw the emergence of the slasher film. Roger Moore's Bond films were reaching their high points of cheesiness. Men like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone took action films to a new level of badly acted, anti-intelligence, while alternate men like Mel Gobson and Bruce Willis brought it back up to a more respectable level of vulnerability. For my memory, though, the 1980s saw the greatest emergence in the high school and college sex comedy! ANIMAL HOUSE may have jump started it all in 1978, but it was definitely PORKY'S that brought it up to speed and gave it the real raunchy juice that it needed!

I have to say it's ironic having just recently discussed PLEASANTVILLE, which painted the traditional picture of the 1950s as a time of purity, goodness and nerdiness, which is how movies and television have traditionally presented the decade to its audiences. PORKY'S, on the other hand, turns that myth upside down on its ass and proves that high school boys and girls were just as horny and sexually perverse as during any other decade, the only difference being that they kept it under wraps a whole lot better. Sure, pretty Peggy Sue may have looked like the all American good girl with her appropriate-length skirt and her bushy pony tail, but she apparently wanted to get fucked as much as the next girl! Guys...well, come on...guys are horny bastards twenty-four-seven and it doesn't matter what decade we're talking about! In this particular town of Angel Beach, Florida, our group of friends have only one priority on their minds and that's to get laid, in particular, Edward "Pee Wee" Morris (played by Dan Monahan), who's not exactly called "Pee Wee" because he has a BIG dick - know what I mean? And so, to get laid and lose their virginity, the boys travel to the Florida Everglades to Porky's where there's pussy to be paid for and a whole lot of overweight, redneck assholes that will likely kill you if you step out of line even once! Still, horny is horny and some things are worth the risk. Unfortunately, our boys don't score any pussy and are instead humiliated by Porky himself (played by Chuck Mitchell) after he takes their money. So now we can add the burden of revenge on top of getting laid! Rest assured, revenge is achieved in the end, but that's hardly the point of the film.

As a subplot (if you can really call it that!), several of the boys get their perverted kicks by peeking through large holes at the naked girls in the high school shower room (bless them all!). The kick here is that when the girls discover they're being watched, they don't exactly retreat to safety. As Pee-Wee himself puts it, "These girls are hot! They want us to look! They want us to look!" As a more legitimate subplot, though, the subject of race relations in a decade of prejudices is touched upon as one of the boys who is Jewish (apparently the only Jew in all of Angel Beach High School, it would seem!) is bullied by another boy who is racist, but inevitably becomes his friend as tensions ease and respect and understanding is achieved. Yeah, right, that's all fine and very PC, but let's get on with the girls and the pussy, shall we!!!

Most noteworthy in PORKY'S are two women, in particular. There's Wendy (played by Kaki Hunter) who's practically designated the high school slut and will fuck just about anybody (even Pee-Wee at the end of the film, as he can finally claim his lost virginity!). Not exactly a slut I'd be attracted to, though! I mean, she has a chipped tooth, for crying out loud! No, for my money, it's gym teacher Miss Honeywell (played by a very young Kim Cattrall) who we learn is nicknamed "Lassie" because of her extreme squealing during intercourse, which we also learn is only possible to achieve with her if you can manage to get her into the boy's locker room, where the pungent aroma of male sweat is an extreme turn on for her (???). All I can say is, for those of you (like my wife!) who became more accustomed to the ultra-classy style of slut that Cattrall portrayed for years in HBO's SEX AND THE CITY, then such a scene as this in a sex comedy like PORKY'S shall be a real eye-opener for you...

Sure, actor Boyd Gaines has a real dumb look on his face, but when you're fixated on young Kim's perfect legs and gorgeous ass, who cares! And finally, I must also add that it's the shower room scene and the locker room scene that ultimately leads into the principal's office scene, which I consider the absolute funniest moment of the entire film. Proving that laughter is, indeed, very contagious, one can't help but loose total control in laughter when we watch and listen to the three high school coaches in the background laugh their asses off as girl's Coach Beulah Balbricker (played by Nancy Parsons) demands that one of the boys be exposed as the contemptible little pervert he is by a line up identification of his penis with an incriminating mole on it! The laughter of this sequence is to die for and well worth the raunchy time spent with PORKY'S! As the movie poster says, you'll be glad you came!

And so, to all of this generation who think that the AMERICAN PIE and HANGOVER franchises are all the sexy, raunchy rave, take note from the previous generation when I say that for my money (and many, many others!), it's ANIMAL HOUSE, it's FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH and it's definitely PORKY'S!!!

Favorite line or dialogue:

Coach Brakett (through intense laughter): "Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school..."Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker! Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous! It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School!"