TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

(November 1983, U.S.)

As a kid in the 1980s, ever since my tenth grade class trip to see GANDHI at New York City’s Ziegfeld Theatre in 1982, I’d been looking for opportunities to expose myself to more serious adult drama on screen. Perhaps this longing I had to occasionally break away from the traditional teenage fare of action, adventure and comedy was a sign of my growing up a little more. Yet for James L. Brooks's TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, I chose to keep my interests to myself. These interests at the time stemmed from nothing other than my fond memory of recently watching Debra Winger in AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN when it premiered on HBO. When it played in my town, I didn’t bother asking any of my friends if they wanted to go see it with me. At sixteen, even before I knew what a "chick flick" really was, I somehow felt that wanting to see a movie about a mother and her daughter would pass me off as feminine somehow and I didn’t want to take a chance that it would make me the subject of ridicule at school. Sure, there was always the possibility that someone I knew would see me at the local movie theater, but I guess I chose to ignore that and take my chances.

Because I was a still a boy (and sometimes I still act like one), I had no concept of the relationships between a mother and her daughter. Still, when a movie begins with a mother so worried about her infant dying in her sleep and easing her fears by waking up the baby instead, taking comfort in her crying, you know you’re probably in for some interesting exposure to the world of adults beyond the traditional romantic comedy. Aurora Greenway (played by Shirley MacLaine) and her daughter Emma (played by Debra Winger) clearly love each other, but their moments of conflict are astounding. I honestly never know how to feel when Aurora tells Emma the night before her wedding that she's likely making the biggest mistake of her life by marrying Flap (played by Jeff Daniels). On the one hand, I can understand her absolute honesty toward protecting her daughter’s future. On the other hand, I can also hear myself asking, "Who does this to her daughter the night before her wedding?" Conflict, indeed.

The film continues through many years of Emma’s life with Flap and their three children. Life is often difficult because they're always broke. The scene in the supermarket when Emma doesn’t have enough money to pay for her food actually still gives me a small lump in my stomach because the mere thought of such a humiliation in public is enough to reach me on an emotional level. Still, even though Emma struggles with her cheating husband and her own affair with an older man from the local town bank (played by John Lithgow), her relationship with her mother improves, giving her reason to occasionally find joy in her life. I can still remember the smile on my face when I first watched mother and daughter on the bed together and talking, Aurora declaring that even late in her life, she discovered that sex was "so fan-fucking-tastic", as she put it.
Aurora’s relationship with Jack Nicholson is intriguing for me. First of all, it's JACK, and he's always a sight. TERMS OF ENDEARMENT was the first time I saw him on screen since THE SHINING, but I’d also watched in him in parts of ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST on TV. His character in this film never seems to be serious about anything for even a moment, but one can tell he has a heart for kindness and love, given the time. The scene where he drives his sports car into the water is wild and crazy and I simply love his sort of insanity. Again, this is what makes Jack...well, Jack.

Soon the film hits us with an unexpected shock. Back in 1983, during a time when social media didn’t exist and one often didn’t have to worry about movie spoilers that didn’t involve Darth Vader being Luke’s father and Spock dying, it was a shock to learn when Emma was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I can still remember hearing myself ask, "Why are you doing this to me?" We've followed along with Emma, her mother, her silly husband and all of her life’s mishaps this entire time and we haven’t complained once. Now you’re hitting us with her death?? How can this film and Hollywood be so damn unfair to us? When Emma finally dies, I won’t tell you that I cry (because I never cry at the movies, not even as a kid), but one can't help but walk away from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT with a newfound sense of curiosity and astonishment at the adult world through the eyes of the movies. Life is often unfair. Life can spend its entire time hitting you, knocking you down and testing your limits, and in the end, finally take it from you. As a teenager, when I first saw the film, it was the first time I was realizing that, like or not, bad things happened to good people. I still remember riding home on my bicycle, thinking to myself that it would be better never to tell any of my friends that I’d watched TERMS OF ENDEARMENT and loved it. Not only did I not want to take the chance of being ridiculed, but I think I also wanted to keep my feelings and emotions toward this tearjerker with its wonderful combination of humor and heartbreak to myself...that is, until I’ve written them now in this blog post.

In the summer of 1989, I was dating a girl younger than myself whom I shall call Caren L. (she’s briefly mentioned in my post blog for DEAD POET'S SOCIETY). When she was seventeen years-old, she learned that her mother was terminally ill with cancer (she died three years later). During one of our weekends together, we chose to stay in on a Saturday night and she told me she wanted to watch my videotaped copy of TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. I asked her why, knowing full well how the film ended and that it would make her very sad to watch. She told me that it was her way of accepting her mom’s illness and somehow coming to terms (no pun intended) with it. At the time, I may not have fully understood her rationale and reasoning, but today I realize it’s just another way that movies speak to us and reach some of us on an emotional level that others may not always understand. I understand.

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT won the Oscar for Best Picture of 1983.

Favorite line or dialogue:

Aurora Greenway: "What's wrong with you?"
Emma Greenway-Horton: "I got some good news."
Aurora: "What's that?"
Emma: "I'm unofficially pregnant. We haven't gotten the tests back yet, but you know me, I'm never late."
Aurora: "Well...I don't understand."
Emma: "If you're not happy for me, I'll get so mad if you're not happy."
Aurora: "Why should I be happy about being a grandmother??!!"
Flap Horton: "Does this mean you won't be knitting the baby any booties?"